Harry Potter: The Musical: Starring Peoples!
by Akili Daniels
Summary: Alex is walking down the hall. People jump out from behind curtains....What happens next?....Unfortunately....Bad things.
1. Canada Is Too Big For The Small Minded T...

A/N This is a no-nonsense (but has tons of nonsense) but extremely pointless (it has a point I swear) ranting fic (Oh yeah, it rants, I can tell ya that for sure....Yet my alter egos disagree.....Shut up alter egos!!! Get it? Alter egoS as in plural, get it? got it? Good, keep it that way, for all eternity... *goes off ranting and arguing with her alter egos, comes back and continues*).....I just felt like writing it.... So if you don't like it...SOD OFF!!!! (Go Akili!!!!) This is going to be with help from my best friend!!!! Ms. Alex Riddle herself. AKA Remington's Restaurant and Lounge....Woohoo Anyone up for a game of Quodpot!!! At 11:00 p.m. my time!!! Huh? Anyone? No one? D'MN YOU ALL TO THE PLACE CLOSEST TO HELL!!! TEXADA ISLAND!!!!! PS. it's in British Columbia you twits. I'm sorry, please still read and review!! PLEASE!!!! PPS. I AM A.......POWELL RIVERITE!!! NOT A CANADIAN, GOT IT!!! GOOD!!! ON WE GO!!!! I think.....Ow....it hurts doesn't it...?  
Ms. Riddle: Sure looks like it. Now the official Disclaimer.....   
Akili:..... It's lost. Please find it and you will be rewarded with a glomping (d..d...do... I mean....don't worry that's not always a bad thing) unless you are a girl. then you will get .... NOTHING~!~ And again, if you are Daniel, you will get glomped to death by Alex after the world implodes.... BAKA!!!!   
Ms. Riddle: Please R&R. You will find my friend and I at St. Mungos.^_~*  
Akili: Please visit us, we're very, very lonely, at least Ms. Riddle is ^_~*  
Ms. Riddle: Are you suggesting something? Seagull! I could rant...  
Akili: NO!!! ON WITH THE FIC!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (I must always add an evil laugh at one point or another.) MUAHAHAHAHA (again).  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Alexandrea Riddle was skipping down the hall at her wizarding school in Canada....Cookoocana. She was whistling a tune that she had just recently listened to, Canada is Really Big. Suddenly, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Voldemort jumped out from behind curtains and began to sing the song, (with Voldemort trying to kill Harry and James by adding comments, then finally singing).  
  
When I look around me, (Avada Kedav....)  
I can't believe what I see (Ava....)  
it seems as if this country has lost its will to live (Stop singing...A....va...)  
the economy is lousy, (NOOOOO!!!)  
we barely have an army (Fine I'll sing)  
but we can still stand proudly 'cause Canada's really big (On second thought....)  
  
We're the second largest country on this planet earth (Shut up!!)  
and if Russia keeps on shrinking, then soon we'll be first! (as long as we keep Quebec) (Um...)  
The USA has tanks, (Damn them)   
and Switzerland has banks (Who cares?)  
they can keep them thanks, (Back to killing..)  
they just don't amount (Damn straight...Anyways...)  
'cause when you get down to it, (Ava...)  
you find out what the truth is, (Maybe I won't...)  
it isn't what you do with it, it's the size that counts (You know, they aren't that bad)   
  
Most people will tell you (I mean when you get to know them)  
that France is pretty large (They're pretty cool)  
but you can put fourteen Frances into this land of ours! (And Harry's really cute....)  
(it'd take a lot of work, it'd take a whole lot of work) (I mean....He's the most horrible....)  
  
We're larger than Malaysia, (...Stupid little twit)  
almost as big as Asia (Damn straight...again)  
we're bigger than Australia and it's a continent (No duh)  
so big we seldom bother (Um yeah)  
to go see one another (Yeah, the others suck)  
but we often go to other countries for vacations (Only to kill...maybe see...or pet.....I mean)  
  
Our mountains are very pointy, (Yeah, I poked myself once, it hurt...)   
our prairies are not (So does thinking)  
the rest is kinda bumpy, (Yeah, REALLY bumpy)  
but man do we have a lot! (Oh yeah, tons really, just tons)  
(we've got a lot of land, we've got a whole lot of land) (Maybe I should stop commentating...)  
So stand up and be proud (Fine I'll sing but not yet...)   
and sing out very loud (Now I'll sing)  
Everyone including Voldie: we stand out from the crowd, (I despise that nickname)   
Everyone including Voldie...I mean....Voldemort: Cause Canada's Really Big (Damn straight, for the third time).  
  
Everyone starts to can-can, with Alex looking strange like she always does....I mean....innocently on.... Yeah, that's right. Alex took out her wand, and everyone scattered like they always did before the very powerful, yet extremely weak, witchling...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Akili: HEY I FOUND IT!!!! NOT YOU, ME!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA (insert own evil laugh here...) Anyways, I found the disclaimer....wait a minute....No, this is Alex's dry cleaning bill....WHAT!!!! $500 FOR DRY CLEANING!!!! ALEX!!!!!  
  
Alex: You rang?  
  
Akili: Stuff it Lurch, I called you to talk to you about this atrocious dry cleaning bill...  
  
Alex: Well you know, Death Eater cloaks aren't made of cotton you know. They were my father's, don't look at me like that....  
  
Akili: I'm not looking at you at all...Anyways.....Where did you put that disclaimer?  
  
Alex: I gave it to you, you know after the spider was on it....I DESPISE SPIDERS!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!! Camelot is a silly place don'tcha think?  
  
Akili: Umm....Sure....Whatever you say....But speaking of spiders....You know the song the Itsey Bitsey spider? No? Well you know the spider goes up the waterspout....Why would it do that? Then it got washed out....Why wouldn't it die? Then it climbs again...WHY(Ak) WHY(Al) WHY(Al) WHY(Ak) WHY(Al) (six, one from each of our alter egos) ......WHY DO IT? (actually Akili) Then.....  
  
Alex: Yes, let's stop there.... No more sugar from you tonight....  
  
Akili: I AM 180% AKILI-CHAN, WITH 20% SUGAR THROWN IN FOR THE FUN OF IT!!!!  
  
Alex: Sorry but I have to do this.... I AM 180% GRAPEFRUIT EXTRACT ALEX WITH 20% SUGAR!!!   
  
Akili: Back to singing....I mean....The fic.....  
  
Alex: Yes on with it...  
  
Akili: Don't bother me while sleeping....  
  
Alex:.....um......sure......why not....  
  
Akili: Don't get me started!!! WHY!!!! AND I SAID DON'T BOTHER ME WHILE SLEEPING. DOLT!!!! YOU SOFT HAIRED MULTICOLOURED SPORK!!!! I'm done.  
  
Alex: *walks away muttering* Spork???  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Voldemort stayed behind to glare at his daughter..... "You didn't let us finish the can-can, you stupid girl." He reached out for her.  
  
"Hey watch out, Touch me now and you'll get cut. You're not yet stronger than me, You probably know, I might take my wand out and......START CONDUCTING MUSIC!!!!" When nothing happened Alex looked around, smiled innocently, and ran away.  
  
~ lunchtime ~  
  
Alex ran into the Great Hall of Doom!!!! I mean....of her school..... and tripped over the beanbag sitting in the middle of the floor. "WHAT THE F*...."  
  
Akili looked up and interrupted "Alex, language..."  
  
"What the He...."  
  
"Alex, language..."   
  
"Sod o....."  
  
"Alex, language..."   
  
"Fine, Gi....Pra....I mean.....Estupido baka child"  
  
Akili did nothing, Alex continued.  
  
" !@$@#$@%$!%@^#&^@!^&#&#^!@%!%!%!!$@$^%#&^#&^ (all in Spanish and Japanese) !@$!#%!^&#*&$*$&^!%^!!@%^$@^!#$^!#&!&^!#$ (this is the rant that never ends....Yes it goes on and on my friends.....And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and.....)"  
Alex stopped, then she said "why aren't you saying anything? I mean I'm swea....."  
  
Akili cut her off, "Alex, language..."  
  
Alex walked off in a huff, tripping over the beanbag.....again.....When she heard a noise behind her.....  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Akili: Isn't this fun? It is isn't it? Isn't it? ISN'T IT? awww.....it's not....YES IT IS!!!!  
  
Alex: callate baka.  
  
Akili: Never mind her, she's just sore that my alter egos are better than hers.   
  
Alex: No they're not..... At least mine have names!  
  
Akili: Oh, good point....Touche.... (I know there's an accent, I cant make it, so sod off)....Anyways, have you found that disclaimer yet?  
  
Alex: Actually I have....Then I threw it out the window for you to chase to my utter amusement...  
  
Akili: You are extremely easily amused  
  
Alex: *Looks up from pulling at shirt, has stupid stupid grin on face* What's that you said?....Oh well, the answer is YES!!!!   
  
Akili: Anyways.....Me and my three alter egos have to go chase down the disclaimer.....No we don't. Shut up stupid alter ego....You're wasting my time....Let the nice people get back to the fic.... Fine, I will. Now I have locked my alter egos into a room in the back of my mind, they can't get out....Unless they break through the door.....Or the wall......Or the floor to ceiling window......ahem.....oops......  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Akili: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA You thought that just because of that thing up there that we were going back to the fic....I LIED!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm done.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Akili was standing on the table and she was just about to break into song....Uh oh..... She has changed words....Be afraid...Be very afraid....But don't be sorry...Be aware....And afraid....Can't forget afraid....  
  
Padfoot is famous for freezing to death in Antarctica.  
Harry made history by losing two hundred and fifty points  
Cornelius Fudge, a national hero for not knowing when to run.  
All of these weirdoes are famous, and they're also very dumb.  
  
History is made by stupid people.  
Clever people wouldn't even try.   
If you wanna place in the history books,  
Then do something dumb before you die.  
  
Harry Potter tap danced past the table where Akili was dancing the can-can and said "Hey I'm in history you know....I mean, I have to be in history....I am all important.....FOR I AM HARRY POTTER!!!!!  
  
Akili responded by jumping down from the table, pushing Harry over and saying "I know, I mentioned that" before continuing singing.  
  
Nobility are famous for no reason.  
Marie Antoinette enjoyed her cake.  
She cause a Revolution when she would not share.  
And her husband lost his head for that mistake.  
  
The Hindenberg was a giant zeppelin.  
Her makers made a minor oversight.  
Before they filled it up with explosive gas  
They should have fixed the no smoking light.  
  
Causssseeee!  
History is made by stupid people. (Harry: Hey!!)  
Clever people wouldn't even try. (Hermione: Damn straight)  
If you wanna place in the history books,  
Then do something dumb before you die.   
  
Tally-Ho! Tally-Ho! (Alex: Umm.....Tally-Ho?)  
Our king and country's honour we will save.  
Tally-Ho! Tally-Ho!  
We're marching into history and the grave.  
  
So, if your son or daughter seem too lazy, (Voldemort: yes she's quite lazy)  
Sitting there watching bad T.V. (Alex: Hey! Not all the time..)  
Just remember you should be quite grateful  
At least they're not making history.  
  
Ahhh!  
History is made by stupid people.  
clever people wouldn't even try.  
If you wanna place in the history books,  
Then do something dumb before you die.  
Do something dumb before you die  
Do something dumb before you die!!!!!  
  
Akili finished with a complex ballet move and tripped over the beanbag, then transfigured it into a computer which took off its head to reveal Buckbeaks, which in turn, turned into the sorting hat, then Voldemort, then changed into rare orange revolting gerbils and they changed into orange jellyfish, then into neon pink jelly fish, merged into one, chased Harry Potter down the hall and beat him over the head and Harry knew no more, then the jelly fish turned into Alex and Akili ran away screaming and ranting about spiders and them going up waterspouts, and Alex asked if you had your socials homework done.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Akili: Finally I found it!!! The disclaimer!!!! Wait....wait..... Stop it Alex....No don't blow your nose on the paper, don't throw it out the window..... *sits down and cries*  
  
Alex: *Smiles innocently* Oh I'm sorry, did you want that? Oh well, I guess there's no disclaimer for this chapter.....But I hope that you understand that JKR didn't come up with this plot....It was all us....FOR WE ARE PEOPLES!!!!! WITH ALTER EGOS!!!!! I mean.....We came up with this ultra-crackamungo-insaneoapolis-fic of the world!!!! Anyways.....  
  
Akili: Let me take over.....We would like to thank people for stuff we used....But there are too many....If you read this, and you know where stuff comes from....Colour it purple, or make a purple boat that is a micrometer in size, and sod off. We aren't taking credit for stuff that isn't ours. The songs are by the Arrogant Worms though.....Listen to them or the world will implode and you will be glomped to death by Arrogant Worms fans....Like us.....For example......Anyways.....This is actually the end!!! Did you like it? Now review!!!!!  
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY WE FINISHED THE NONSENSE CHAPTER!!!! YIPPEE!!!! The rest of this fic will be serious, I swear..... *crosses fingers* Really I mean it.....*shifts eyes nervously* *snickers* hee hee.....Maybe not.... 


	2. The Rat Dance

A/N Here's chapter 2  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Akili: Ha! Thought it was going to be a short A/N this time didn'tcha? Didn'tcha? Well I fooled you, didn't I? Did I fool them?  
  
Alex: Yes, you fooled them, now can we get on with it?  
  
Akili: No  
  
Alex: ....? Ok then, what do you want to harass the nice people about this time?  
  
Akili: About.... *appears to think hard*...  
  
Alex: That must hurt  
  
Akili: What?  
  
Alex: That thinking hard up there  
  
Akili: Oh, well it usually does, but I haven't had my recommended daily intake of sugar and pop yet. That's what makes thinking hurt....At least for me....  
  
Alex: Yes.....Now what were we going to talk about?  
  
Akili: About.....STICKY HANDS!!!!  
  
Alex: ....Sticky hands?....  
  
Akili: Yes, you know, the sticky hands you get from the dentist.  
  
Alex: Oh, those sticky hands...I thought you were talking about sticky hands....*walks off talking to no one about her sticky hands (the actual human hands)*  
  
Akili: Well....Now that she's gone, we can get serious for a moment...Now, I've always wondered what sticky hands are made out of...What makes them so sticky? And what makes chocolate be chocolate tasting? And why is the Canadian 20 dollar bill green? Why not hot pink? Or better yet....Invisible coloured? Or...or.....Kerfloozle coloured!?!?!?!?  
  
Alex: What are you yammering about this time?  
  
Akili: AHHHH!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!  
  
Alex: Do what?  
  
Akili: WHY DO IT!!!!  
  
Alex: *sighs* Again, do what?  
  
Akili: If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.... Muahahahaha!!!! I can be so evil sometimes.....Anyways. DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Suddenly a computer bounds out from out of nowhere, takes off its head to reveal Buckbeaks, who takes off its head to reveal a giant tye dyed orange, hot pink, and green jellyfish who chases Akili down the hall, tries to beat her over the head, but she moves out of the way, grabs a club, beats the tye dyed jellyfish over the head and the jelly fish knew no more.  
  
Akili: Whew....I'm back, that jellyfish was huge though, almost got me like Harry Potter, but I'm not an idiot...AND SO I WON, FOR I AM HA.....I MEAN.....AKILI!!!! Sorry bout that, got caught up in the moment, almost said the wrong name....silly me! So....Back to....STICKY HANDS!!!!!  
  
Alex: Not again....  
  
Akili: *singing* Old McDonald had a sticky hand, S-T-I-C-K (Y) With a stick, stick here and a stick, stick there, here a stick, there a stick, every where a sticky hand....*warbles out of tune*  
  
Alex: NOOO!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! THE HORROR, THE......  
  
Akili: *speaking* What are you saying about my singing? Do you not like sticky hands? Or Old McDonald? I heard differently, I heard that you and Old McDonald.... *muffled by Alex's hand*  
  
Alex: Well now, don't need to hear about that.... *Takes hand off Akili's mouth, believing her finished*  
  
Akili: *unmuffled* ....And WITH a sticky hand!  
  
Alex: Um.....I can explain....You see....  
  
Akili: Never mind about that, let the readers draw their own conclusions... *winks evilly*  
  
Alex: But it's not like that! Not at all! We were just playing a game of stick the hand to the wall of the barn, that's all! I swear!  
  
Akili: Sure it is....  
  
Alex: *Grumbles, walks to Akili* You know Akili.... *puts arm around Akili's shoulder* That mouth of yours could get you in trouble.... *Puts Akili's head in a very, very tight headlock* *smiles innocently*  
  
Akili: *choking* A....Ale.....Alex.....You....You're......Cho.....Choking.....ME!!!! *Yells last word and flips Alex onto her back into a puddle of mud, voices become dubbed over, as in Japanese films, you know, with the mouths out of sync* Muahahaha, Now who's got you little stupid Baka??!?  
  
Alex: Stop with the dubbing voices, and you are the stupid Baka if you think I am vulnerable.  
  
Both begin to mud wrestle.... Then stop..... Smile innocently..... Get up...... And stand covered in mud.  
  
Akili: *dripping in mud* Sorry bout that, momentary lapse in sanity....  
  
Alex: Momentary????  
  
Akili: All right, permanent lapse, momentary second lapse....If that even makes sense....  
  
Alex: Which it doesn't, because nothing you say EVER makes sense..  
  
Akili: HEY!! I came up with this fic if you don't remember.....Never mind......  
  
Alex: Don't you think we should start the fic soon, I mean, long enough A/N, I think the readers are thoroughly convinced that we're insane, at least for the time being.....  
  
Akili: Hey! I am the supreme author of this fic, and all shall listen to ME!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I will say when the fic starts.....Ok....Now.....Wait....Not yet......Ok....Now..... No, wait.....I must say something.....I must always have the last word....  
  
Alex: Just say it already  
  
Akili: Fine. This is chapter 2, it is chapterable, chapter-savvy, chapter-compatible, chapter...  
  
Alex: I think they get it....  
  
Akili: Fine. Then you will not be invited to the magical tea party because of you negativity....You are negitable...Negative-savvy, negative-compatible...Negative....  
  
Alex: I'm sorry I said anything  
  
Akili: Yet you still won't be invited to the magical spork tea party, even though you are a soft haired multicoloured SPORK!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!! I AM EVIL I TELLS YA!!! EVIL!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Alex: No, you are not evil I AM!!!! YAYYYYYY!!!! EVIL EVIL EVIL!!! *Starts to conga*  
  
Akili: I am too you spork!!! Come to my tea party!! It shall be fun!!! All my friends will be there!!  
  
Alex: Who? The Mad Hatter and March Hare?   
  
Akili: Yes, as a matter of fact, they will be there, for they are sporks! They are sporkable, spork-savvy, spork-compatible  
  
Alex: Spork-compatible??   
  
Akili: *Starts to rant about sporks*  
  
Alex: Anyways...  
  
Akili: *Runs back* NOOOO!!!! You must not start the fic without me!!! NEVAH!!!! YOU SPORKABLE TEA PARTY!!!!  
  
Alex: Tea party???   
  
Akili: Yes, the all powerful, the powerable, the power-savvy, the power-compatible.....ALL MAGICAL TEA PARTY!!!!! AND EVERYONE'S INVITED!!!!.....EXCEPT YOU!!! *points at Alex*  
  
Alex: But why?  
  
Akili: Because you are not spork-compatible  
  
Alex: But you said that I was a soft haired multicoloured spork....How could I not be spork-compatible?  
  
Akili: You just aren't....Now make way for the tea party.....  
  
Alex: You can't have a tea party here...  
  
Akili: Why not?  
  
Alex: Because we have to write the fic  
  
Akili: Oh, right, well how many words is this A/N?  
  
Alex: Oh....About....1000.... ^_^ Aren't we special??  
  
Akili: Um....Yeah....Very special.... *runs to dark corner to write fic in insane peace* ..... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Alex: *running to catch up, trips over little girl's jump rope*  
  
Akili: HA!!!! So Alex won't be here for a while!!!! Great!!!! I can do this thing myself then.......Umm.....Is anybody out there??  
  
Taylor Daniels: I am Akili's other alter ego, I just have a few things to say.  
  
Place each hand on either side of a DVD box  
Now, bring box until it is parallel with your head  
Now strike your head sharply with the DVD box  
Did that hurt? No? Then you're not doing it HARD enough  
Turn the DVD box until it is on its side  
Now strike your head again and again until the blood starts to show and the white bone of your skull!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! NO DON'T TAKE ME AWAY!!! NO, NOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Akili: Ha!! Again, you thought that we were going to the fic!!! I LIED AGAIN!!!! You peoples are so gullible you know....Gullible....Gul...lib...le....Toys!! ToysToysToysToysToysToysToysToysToysToysToysToysToysToys!!!! Sorry Prince Jake.....If you didn't get that, it's from the Animorph books, I think number 8, you must read those books!!! THEY ARE SO COOL!!!! And I apologize for my other alter ego up there, she has a fascination with Monty Python and the Holy Grail, great movie, watch it. Did I say fascination? I meant obsession, she has an obsession with Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Yeah that's it...She's completely psycho...Hey, don't steal the keyboard...asdklfaslfjs5df452adh90846jg  
  
Taylor Daniels: MUAHAHAHAHA I STOLE THE KEYBOARD!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! I CONTROL THIS FIC NOW!!!! I AM NOT PSYCHO YOU BAKA!!!! SPONGES SHALL RULE THE WORLD!!!! ROCK COVERED SPONGES!!!! OR MAYBE SPONGE COVERED ROCKS!!!! AHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! (Insert evil / insane laugh here) I OWN EVERYTHING!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Taylor spots a giant hot pink pop can and runs down the hall. The pop can breaks in half, and turns into a lamp, then a giant telephone, an elastic band and finally a piece of paper, which Taylor grabs and crumples.  
  
Taylor: HA!!! TAKE THAT STUPID POP CAN BAKA!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I AM ALL IMPORTANT FOR I AM HARRY POTTER!!!......I MEAN.....NO....WAIT.....I AM HARRY POTTER!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I AM FAMOUS!!!!  
  
Akili takes giant club and hits Taylor over the head  
  
Taylor: OW!!!! Why'd ya do that?  
  
Akili: Because you're turning into an egomaniac....You are not Harry Potter, you are much better than him, he is a tap dancing moron with a big head filled with hot air......AHHH!!!!  
  
Akili begins to run as hundreds of Harry Potter fans chase her, she turns into a giant rare orange revolting gerbil, turns on them, and eats them all.  
  
Akili: jek ekst keitsb  
  
Alex: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you, you're still a gerbil  
  
Akili: Un  
  
Akili changes back into her normal yet insane self  
  
Akili: I'm sorry, I said, Now that's better then I said, Oh  
  
Alex: No biggie, I just prefer talking to you rather than a giant rare orange revolting gerbil....Unless you were a giant neon green rat with polka dotted ears...Then I'd rather talk to that  
  
Akili: RAT!!??!?!? How bout a rat dance  
  
Akili begins to tap dance in a erratic fashion  
  
Alex: No no no no....Stop it Akili. The rat dance is later  
  
Akili: Bu....but what about the title of this chapter?  
  
Alex: Wel that was just a trick, the rat dance isn't in this chapter....STOP DANCING!!!!  
  
Akili starts to tap dance faster  
  
Akili: WOOOHOOOO!!!! I AM THE FAMOUS TAP DANCING HARRY POTTER!!!!!  
  
Alex: Um...yeah....Let's just leave her to her delusions and sneak out  
  
Akili: I AM THE BEAVER!!!!  
  
Alex: I'm leaving before she sings...  
  
Alex sneaks slowly away from Akili as Akili dances and yells at the top of her lungs, Akili begins to sing....But that's another story and shall be told another time. 


	3. The Santa Claus From Hell!

A/N YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! I GOT 3 REVIEWS!!!!  
  
Alex: Don'tcha mean WE got 3 reviews?  
  
Akili: No, I meant I got 3 reviews cause I am the most important of all of us!!!!  
  
Alex: Um, yeah, sure, whatever you say...  
  
Akili: Hey! Aren't I the one writing this insane thing?  
  
Alex: Well yeah....But I helped  
  
Akili: Oh, stuff it, you're not even in the same town as me, you just come up with ideas, I write about them  
  
Alex: But I do hel....  
  
Akili: Oh go stuff a tree with chocolate  
  
Alex: ...  
  
Akili: Yeah, you heard me  
  
Alex: But I'm having trouble trying to comprehend your stupidness  
  
Akili: Are you calling me stupid?  
  
Alex: Didn't I JUST say that?  
  
Akili: But are you actually calling ME stupid Miss "I only take Math 10 honours"  
  
Alex: ...Is it just me or are you getting weirder by the day?  
  
Akili: Nope  
  
Alex: .....Ok then....Let's just let the nice reviewer read the fic...Ok?  
  
Akili: Fine, thank you, I was just getting to the fic.....And thank you to mad mandy who was my only REAL reviewer, and who was kind enough to review both chapters, here's the next chapter...  
  
Alex: HEY! I reviewed too  
  
Akili: Yeah, but so what. You knew that this fic was up and you didn't review right away....And mad mandy was the first one. So there.  
  
Alex: But...You....Didn't....Thank....Me..... *sob*  
  
Akili: Again....Go stuff a tree with chocolate  
  
Alex: Chocolate.....?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Akili: I'm sorry....Soooo sorry...... (You know, the Extra song) I wasn't going to do this to you again, but then I realised that my author's note was only 230 words long, and that is unexceptable.... How bout a good old fashion rant? Or...A GAME OF QUODPOT!!!! *Waits for people to cheer* What do ya mean you don't want to play quodpot? Losers....NO wait I'm sorry, I didn't mean that...Please still read my story, and review!!!! Even though it has no plot....You will love this chapter though...Won't you? *brandishes fist* Good, now, On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again... *walks off singing*  
  
Alex: No, the horror of it all!!! Akili singing!!!!  
  
Akili: All right, I'm done. And what was that you were saying about my singing?  
  
Alex: Oh, nothing bad, just that hearing someone else, anyone else, singing would be better than hearing you...  
  
Akili: Oh, is that all.....Wait a minute....Did you say...Anyone?  
  
Alex: Why yes, yes I did.....Uh oh  
  
Akili: *Mischievious glint in eyes* Well alright then. Now if you don't like what's about to happen, blame it on my good friend *pats Alex on back* Alexandrea Riddle...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Alex was sitting in a dark corner mumbling to herself about Santa Clause and how can he come down the chimney. Professor Snape came up to her and was wondering what was wrong when suddenly he realised that she was mumbling about Santa Clause. This reminded him of something very bad that had happened to him, and he began to sing.  
  
Open my eyes, what an ugly day! Just the type that makes me want to say hooray. I'm still a little fuzzy-headed from my sleep; Into my brain reality seeps.   
Look all around me, can't believe what I see! These little short people are surrounding me!   
I've got a white beard, a suit made of red; My soul becomes filled with a keen sense of dread!   
  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS! (elfish chatterings)  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS!  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS! (elfish laughter)  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS! (elfish laughter)  
  
Hop out of bed; kick an elf in the chest. (Ow!)   
What an awful way to awake from a rest.   
  
"Santa, oh, Santa," the little gnomes cheer,   
"You shouldn't be nasty at this time of year!"   
  
"What do you mean?" I say in a rage,  
"And what are you doing with those big burlap bags?"   
  
The elves they do roar, "Why they're full of toys   
For you to deliver to the good girls and boys."   
  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS! (elves: la la la la lalala)  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS! (elves: la lalalala la)  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS! (elves: lala lalaa)  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS! (elves: lalala la la la)  
  
Resigned to my fate, I load up the sleigh, Harness the reindeer, and get under way.   
It's nippy up here in the cool arctic sky; Good thing I remembered that bottle of rye.   
Flying over rooftops, throwing out toys, Hopefully crushing those good girls and boys!   
Like a bad dream, I pray for release. Please let this hellish existence be ceased!  
  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS! (elfish chatterings)  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS!  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS!  
OH GOD I'M SANTA CLAUS!  
  
From this nightmare I finally awake. My brain is on fire; my hands they do shake.   
  
Oh wait, they're not hands; they're cute little paws! I'm the Easter Bunny; I'm not Santa Claus!   
  
OH GOD I'M THE EASTER BUNNY!(elfish chatterings)  
OH GOD I'M THE EASTER BUNNY!  
OH GOD I'M THE EASTER BUNNY!  
OH GOD....  
  
(elfish laughter)  
  
Snape skipped away down the hall and Alex's mutterings became high pitched. Akili found her and managed to pull her to their common room where another frightening sight confronted them. The Mauraders were standing in a line, in front of the fireplace, minus Peter, the slimy gibberit. Sirius spotted them and, after Alex had been chained to a chair, directly in front of the Mauraders, said....  
  
Sirius - Thank you very much it's about time for a sing-a-long song! (Remus: Yeah! Akili cheers. Alex: Uh oh...)  
  
Remus - Everybody likes sing-a-long songs right? (James: Yeah! Akili cheers. Alex: Dear God help me!)  
  
James - Yeah, everyone just sit around the old campfire with the nice linen out and sing....a-long songs   
(Sirius: Yeah! Akili cheers)   
  
Sirius - This song, in our lovely line of work we often get to do a lot of driving across this wonderful land of ours which means we get to go through that wonderful......place of snow and rock called Northern Ontario (Akili cheers)  
  
Remus - Has everyone driven across Northern Ontario? (Akili cheers) Stop cheering  
  
James - For those of you who haven't, Northern Ontario is 80 billion kilometres long  
  
Remus - There are 13 people who live there  
  
Sirius - All of whom are named Frank  
  
James - Even the girl  
  
Remus - She's very popular  
  
Sirius (trying to look suggestive but failing miserably) - Very popular indeed  
  
Remus - We were driving across Texada Island once, the world's closest place to Hell, that's a Canadian   
fact. And we saw a theme park, this is a real place, it's called James' Taxidermy and Mounted Animal   
Nature Trail. (Akili cheers)  
  
James - Oh you've heard of it  
  
Sirius - Everyone's heard of it, it's the only low maintenance zoo.  
  
Remus - Grab some roadkill and WOO!  
  
James - The traditional sound of the taxidermist WOO!  
  
Sirius - So anyways, we have written a little.....theme song for the Mounted Animal Nature Trail.   
  
James - It has a sing-a-long chorus.   
  
Remus - Please everybody sing-a-long.   
  
Sirius - And they will feel the love.   
  
Remus - In.   
  
Sirius - Calidar!  
  
- All (singing): On The Mounted Animal Nature Trail, you'll be sure to see   
- All Mother Nature's favourite pets, all sitting rigidly.   
- They're never hungry any more, their last meal left them stuffed.   
- Don't worry, they won't walk away if you try to pet their fluff.   
  
- Where the dog goes... (Akili: woof)   
- And the cow goes... (Alex: moo)   
- And the bear goes... (Akili: roar) Remus: Enthusium mediocre, keep in mind the animals are dead   
- And the pig goes... (Alex: oink) Sirius: SHUT UP!   
- And the crow goes... Sirius: Caw! Remus: Damn it's still alive.   
- All: You can see all this on The Mounted Animal Nature Trail.   
  
- Sirius: Dance!   
  
  
- All: The Mounted Animal Nature Trail, it's great for Mom and Dad!   
- Where else could Grandma and the kids see the silence of the lambs?   
- Don't have to walk a hundred miles or climb the steepest hill,   
- And the only fearsome sound you'll hear is the ringing of the till.   
  
- Where the dog goes... (Akili: woof) Remus: No, meow....  
  
Sirius: LATE AND STUPID!   
- And the cow goes... (Alex: moo) Remus: Big and strong   
- And the bear goes... (Akili: roar) James: Okay Sirius if there's a kid you can probably take him   
- And the pig goes... (Alex: oink) Sirius (cringing): Oh, he certainly intimidated me  
  
Remus: Yes he did   
- And the crow goes... Sirius: Caw! James: Won't it ever die?   
- All: You can see all this on The Mounted Animal Nature Trail.   
  
- Sirius: Dance!  
  
  
- All: The only things that bite are the bugs, Remus: Ow   
- And unlike other theme parks, the mice won't say hello.   
- And if you're having troubles with your own family pet,   
- You can bring him in and add him to the trail!   
  
- WOO!!  
  
- Sirius: OK everyone!   
- Where the dog goes... (Akili: woof)   
- And the cow goes... (Alex: moo) James: Stop it   
  
- And the armadillo goes... (Akili: meow) Remus: Someone should read Dr. Seuss   
Sirius: Who's Dr. Seuss?  
  
James: Yeah Remington's Restaurant and Lounge, who is he? Your boyfriend?  
  
Alex: Hey that's my nickname!  
  
Remus: And he's not my boyfriend, I'm straight damn it!  
  
Sirius: We're sure you are *wink* Anyways.....  
  
- And the pig goes... (Alex: oink, why did I get stuck with the pig the whole time?)   
- And the crow goes... Sirius: Don't cry for me Argentina. The truth is I never left you   
  
Remus: Where's his metal bra?.   
- All: You can see all this on The Mounted Animal Nature Trail.   
  
- Sirius: Dance!   
  
Sirius tap danced toward the portrait hole, Remus and James followed. Suddenly there was a crash and Remus poked his head back into the common room, "That was Sirius," he said, "he tripped over the bottom of the hole. He tried to do a ballet move and somehow the portrait moved towards him and he tripped over it." Remus was smiling and he bowed and can can'd out of their sight.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N Now wasn't that interesting? Who wants to go visit the Mounted Animal Nature Trail with me? Put up your hand!  
  
Alex: mumbling: I'd like to PUT you ON the Mounted Insane Peoples Trail  
  
Akili: What was that?  
  
Alex: *smiles innocently* Oh nothing that concerns you, I was just mumbling about how scared I was when Snape sang  
  
Akili: Oh, did that scare you? Well how bout this?  
  
Snape took off his head, and became a humongous hot pink and neon green man eating bunny and chased Alex down the hall and Alex screamed and the bunny disappeared. Alex came back gasping.  
  
Alex: gasping: When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut?  
  
Akili: My guess is.....NEVER!!!!  
  
Alex: Got a point there 


	4. Akili Sings! No! The Horror!

A/N TWITS ALL OF YOU!!!! TWITS I TELL YAS!!!!  
  
Alex: Akili....When are you going to learn that if you insult the readers, they won't review!  
  
Akili: *loads shotgun* *cackles evilly to self* Oh, but they will *cocks gun* They surely will...  
  
Alex: *backs away slowly* umm.....Akili....Put down the gun please...  
  
Akili: Why? *puts down gun and looks questionately at Alex*  
  
Alex: *dives for gun and grabs it, runs away* MUAHAHAHAHA I GOT THE GUN!!!! *Accidentally fires it, dives for cover* Ahem.....Oops *smiles sheepishly and throws gun away* Now that that's over with....  
  
Akili: *cowering in corner* Yo...You took my gun away...you mean TWIT!!!  
  
Alex: You would only hurt someone  
  
Akili: No I wouldn't...I promise....  
  
Alex: Oh, fine, if it will stop your whining... *retrieves gun and gives it to Akili*  
  
Akili: Oh thank you.... *cocks gun* MUAHAHAHAHAHA I HAVE THE GUN BACK!!!! *Accidentally drops gun off of dock that materialised out of nowhere* NOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Alex: *smirks*  
  
Akili: STOP YOUR SMIRKING!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! *Runs off ranting about smirking and how it makes Alex look stupid*  
  
Alex: HEY!!  
  
Akili: Is for horses  
  
Alex: That was lame  
  
Akili: I know *looks sad* Maybe I'll be funnier tomorrow  
  
Alex: Fine, we'll continue tomorrow  
  
Akili: Fine  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
~ Next Day ~  
  
Alex: We're baaaaccckkkk!!!!  
  
Akili: OH NO THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!!!! WE CAME BACK!!!! AHHHHH!!!!  
  
Alex: And your point is?  
  
Akili: What point? Must I have a point?  
  
Alex: No...I suppose not...  
  
Akili: YAAAHAAAA!!!! I HAVE DEFEATED THE EVIL ALEX!!!! I SHALL NOW RULE THE WORLD!!!! *Gets dragged off in a straight jacket by people in white coats* AHHHHH!!!! LET GO OF THE FUTURE RULER OF THE WORLD YOU TWITS!!!!  
  
Alex: *snickers* Ha. She's gone, now I can write some stuff....Back in the day, I was a pretty good writer you know....I would write tons of stuff....  
  
Akili: NOOOOOO!!!!! *Escapes people in white coats, gets free of straight jacket and dives at keyboard*  
  
Alex: Now look what I'm reduced to. Writing this stup...asoeiasnlfkamsdfasdfdfas5df4...  
  
Akili: Ha. Take that stupid peasant!  
  
Alex: Can we just let the people read now?  
  
Akili: No. As their future leader I will tell them when to read.  
  
Alex: Now?  
  
Akili: No.  
  
Alex: Ok....  
  
Akili: We shall now discuss the boring subject of socks. I am wearing white socks, how about you Ms. Riddle?  
  
Alex: Oh are you mad? You're calling me by my last name  
  
Akili: Just stick to the lovely subject of socks will you?  
  
Alex: Fine, I am wearing neon pink with neon green polka dots.  
  
Akili: Really?  
  
Alex: No dimwit!  
  
Akili: Darn.....Wait....Did you just call me a dimwit?  
  
Alex: Um.....No?  
  
Akili: That's better....Wait....Did you mean that?  
  
Alex: Yes?  
  
Akili: Ok then...Now we are going to change subjects  
  
Alex: Good, anything but socks!!!  
  
Akili: We shall talk about.... *strikes regal pose* ......Sparkly puke!!!!  
  
Alex: No the horror!!!.....Um....Sparkly PUKE!!!????  
  
Akili: Yes  
  
Alex: Where in the world did you come up with that subject?  
  
Akili: From Carmen Sandiego of course  
  
Alex: Yeah....Sure....Whatever.....  
  
Akili: Never mind the sparkly puke then. We'll talk about Estonian expressions  
  
Alex: There are such a thing as Estonian expressions?  
  
Akili: Of course  
  
Alex: Ok. Just asking.  
  
Akili: Finish this sentence. A friend always peels his neighbours....  
  
Alex: Oranges. Please let it be oranges.  
  
Akili: Nope  
  
Alex: Bananas?  
  
Akili: Strike two  
  
Alex: I'm scared of what it might be. Just tell me and kill me now.  
  
Akili: A friend peels his neighbours.....TROUSERS!!!!  
  
Alex: WHAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS! *Collapses in laughter*  
  
Akili: Hey man. It's not that funny.....On second thought.... *Also collapses in laughter*  
  
Alex: *Getting up* Now that that's over. What to talk about next.  
  
Akili: Pedo un anillo de espuma no una pila de hamsteres  
  
Alex: Huh?  
  
Akili: Roughly.....I ordered a doughnut, not a pile of hamsters.  
  
Alex: Oh.....WHAT?!?!?!?!?  
  
Akili: Felicitaciones en su sombrero que huele asqueroso   
  
Alex: Again....Huh?  
  
Akili: Congratulations on your foul smelling sombrero  
  
Alex: I don't have a foul smelling sombrero  
  
Akili: Now you do  
  
Alex: No. I won't have one.  
  
Akili: Fine. Now repeat after me  
  
Alex: Um....Ok  
  
Akili: Donde puedo conseguir un palillo grande del pogo empujado en mi oreja  
  
Alex: Donde puedo conseguir un palillo grande del pogo empujado en mi oreja  
  
Akili: *Grabs large pogo stick and shoves it in Alex's ear* Here. You're welcome.  
  
Alex: What did I say? And I didn't say thank you.  
  
Akili: Where can I get a large pogo stick shoved in my ear....Roughly... And I was   
anticipating your thank you. It's not every friend that will shove a large pogo stick in your ear when you ask for one.  
  
Alex: But I didn't ask for one!  
  
Akili: Sure you do a friend a favour and they throw it right back in your face. Well I won't talk to you now. You must talk to Captain Silver Hand.  
  
Alex: Um.....  
  
Akili: *Covers own hand in sparkly silver Christmas tree garland* *moves hand as if it's talking* Hello you twit  
  
Alex: Um....  
  
Akili: C'mon twit. Is that all you can say. Dimwit.  
  
Alex: Stop insulting me!  
  
Akili: No.  
  
Alex: Well then.....Go plant potatoes in the Pemberton Seed Potato Control Area where the planting of potatoes is restricted  
  
Akili: Y'know. I think I will *Goes off. Plants potatoes. Runs back being chased by police. Screams* ALEX!!!! HELP ME!!!!! I'M BEING CHASED!!!!  
  
Alex: Oh. You're talking to me now are you?  
  
Akili: C'mon you twit!!!  
  
Alex: Now now, ask nicely  
  
Akili: Alright. Please please please help me  
  
Alex: How bout....NO!!!!  
  
Akili: What did I ever do to you?  
  
Alex: Lots of things  
  
Akili: Oh. Right. Well if you help me, I'll apologise  
  
Alex: Alright. *Snaps fingers, police disappear* There you go  
  
Akili: Great. Thanks. Now. I'm sorry for things I have done.  
  
Alex: You're forgiven *begins to cry* I'm sorry too  
  
Akili: Oh no you don't. You're not turning this into a mushy fluffy story.  
  
Alex: Oh fine then. How bout we get on with the chapter?  
  
Akili: Ok. This time we'll do as you suggest  
  
Alex: Thank you  
  
Akili: No no, thank you  
  
Alex: No, thank you  
  
Akili: I must have the last word. Thank You  
  
Alex: Fine you can have the last word. And thank you  
  
Akili: Thank you. And thank YOU  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Alex was walking down the hall, again, when there was a noise behind her. She turned quickly, but nothing was there. She continued walking. There was another sound and when she turned, there was a shadow darting away around a corner. Alex was beginning to be scared. She began to walk faster. Suddenly she was blinded by big bright lights. When she was able to see again, what she saw frightened her down to her toes. She wanted to run and hide in a big hole. What she saw was so horrible and frightening that I dare not write about it.....Okay I will. Right in front of Alex was.......AKILI ABOUT TO SING!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!! THE HORROR!!!!!! Anyways......  
  
Akili: Ravenclaw is the eagle,   
Slytherin is the snake  
Hufflepuff is the badger, and that was a big mistake Yeah,   
Gryffindor is the lion that stands so proud and tall But I am the greatest of them all   
I am the beaver,  
I'm furry and I'm free   
Yeah, I am the beaver,   
I smell like stinky cheese Yeah, I am the beaver,   
I can chew right through small trees I am the beaver, I am the beaver, I am the beaver   
  
You might think a rodent is a pretty lame choice   
For a personal animal, but don't you listen to that voice   
No, 'cause all them birds and predators just take from the land   
But the beaver always gives a dam   
I am the beaver, it's bark I like to eat   
Yeah, I am the beaver, it tastes really sweet   
Yeah, I am the beaver, the nickel I complete   
Yeah, I am the beaver, I am the beaver, I am the beaver   
The eagle flies the skies above and swoops down on its prey   
The big snake will poison anyone who dares gets in its way   
The lion is the greatest of the hunters today   
But the beaver, it can build dams   
Yeah, the beaver, it can build dams, dams, dams!   
I am the beaver, I slap my tail when danger's nearby   
I am the beaver, I have a waterproof hide   
Yeah, I am the beaver, And I say that with great pride  
I am the beaver, I am the beaver, I am the beaver   
I am the beaver, our name is often used as a double entendre   
I am the beaver, and in Canada French doesn't belong   
Yeah, I am the beaver, and the subject of this song is   
I am the beaver, I am the beaver, I am the beaver (I can't hear you!)   
I am the beaver, I am the beaver, I am the beaver (Are you gettin' the point?)   
I am the beaver, I am the beaver, I am the beaver  
  
Just as quickly as she had appeared, Akili vanished into thin air, leaving Alex muttering to herself "Am I ever going to get to class without a song interrupting my day?" And she was answered by a disembodied voice "No!" Alex jumped then continued on to potions.  
  
As soon as Alex sat down in her seat Snape walked in and said "today there will be a test". Many people groaned and one girl said "but you're not our ordinary teacher" and Snape replied "yes, yes, I know.....Your regular teacher had a.....unfortunate accident....yes....that's it.....accident....." and Snape walked out of the room mumbling to himself. Alex looked down at her desk and there was a test paper on it.  
  
~  
  
1. What is the brand of your computer?  
2. Where did you buy your computer?  
3. What is it like to steal computers?  
4. Does your printer ever eat paper?  
5.a) If yes to the previous question, Do you ever shout profanities at your printer?  
5.b) At your computer?  
6. Does your computer shout profanities back?  
7. Do you wish your printer would eat your siblings?  
8. Is your printer and/or computer an escaped convict? If so, did you help them get out of prison?  
  
~  
  
"What the hell is this?" Alex yelled. The test on her desk yelled back "it's your test dummy". Alex stared at the paper, "well then," she began, "what are you on? And more importantly, where can I get some?" The paper said "I am on a desk, and you can get the desk if you steal this one, or buy your own." So Alex ran out of potions class with her desk in her hands.  
  
Akili walked into the common room to see a giant bonfire in the middle of the room and Alex sitting there smelling the flames and smoke. "Um....what are you doing?" Asked Akili. "Sniffing" replied Alex. "Ah" Akili said and stood there a moment before Sirius and Lockhart came in and began to sing!!!  
  
I'm proud to be a Teacher   
I'm proud to be a Teacher   
I'm proud to be a Teacher  
'Cause I get to play with little people's minds   
  
I'm having a lousy day   
I dumped my gel and spilled my coffee   
On my best clothes.   
So I had to change into my ratty old robes.   
So I rush into the classroom   
Where they are discussing what my fate in this occupation is   
And I don't really give a damn   
Because I don't know what I'm teaching!  
So I lie and say   
  
Lockhart: I'm proud to be your teacher  
I'm proud to be your teacher   
I'm proud to be your teacher   
'Cause I get to teach you stimulating students   
  
Lockhart: I open up my eyes  
Hoping that it's still dark, but it's 9 o'clock   
And I have only one more hour to go   
To return to hogwarts to teach next semester  
So I run down to the station where there's a 20-mile lineup   
And I'm yelling and I'm screaming   
And I'm not wearing any pants ah ah ah ah ahhhhh   
  
Sirius: I'm proud to be a Marauder   
I'm proud to be a Marauder   
I'm proud to be a Marauder  
'Cause I get to screw with other people's lives   
  
Sirius: I took out all my anger   
On the twit that is a teacher. IT told me   
That I couldn't because I'm a dork  
But that can't be 'cause I graduated from Hogwrats.  
So I go and visit Albus, wait an hour in his office.   
And I'm talking to his face   
He says "Wait I'll get your last month's record"   
He comes back in 7 hours   
Says I've got some late detentions and a prank on Slime Ball Snape.   
That bounced and so they'll have to take off 40 points for that   
And for the prank I never finished and I don't have my marauder back-up.  
And I think I'll die before I serve out my detentions and I don't even GO TO SCHOOL~!~  
  
Lockhart: I'm pleased to be a teacher   
Sirius: I'm proud to be a Marauder   
Both: I'm pleased to be a teacher   
'Cause I get to play with other people's minds   
  
Sirius: (HE'S A TEACHER)   
Lockhart: Granger will you mark these tests?   
Lockhart: (HE'S A MARAUDER)   
Sirius: Do you have any assets?   
Lockhart: (HE'S A MARAUDER)   
Sirius: You should prank you shouldn't think  
Sirius: (HE'S A TEACHER)   
Lockhart: That prank will cost you fifty points  
Lockhart: (IT WILL COST YOU FIFTY POINTS)   
Sirius: (He's a teacher and he says   
that it will cost you fifty points   
He's a teacher and he says   
that it will cost you fifty points)   
Both: (IT WILL COST YOU FIFTY POINTS)   
  
And with that Lockhart and Sirius fell over into the flames of the fire. Then jumped up and ran around the room screaming loudly with Lockhart frantically trying to put out his hair. Sirius and Lockhart then ran out of the common room and Akili and Alex heard him for many more minutes before all was silent. Then the flames engulfed the two of them and they knew only what they saw but that's another story and shall be told another time.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
That is all  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Akili: NOT!!!!! I am going to sing you a loverly song!!!  
  
Alex: No, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
Akili: Oh, shut up you. Now on with the song!!!! It is called "The Frim Fram Sauce" here we go!  
  
I don't want French fried potatoes, red ripe tomatoes, I'm never satisfied  
I want the frim fram sauce with the aussen fay, with chafaifa on the side.  
  
I don't want pork chops and bacon, that won't awaken my appetite inside  
I want the frim fram sauce with the aussen fay, with chafaifa on the side.  
  
Now a person's really got to eat, and a person should eat right  
Five will get you ten, I'm gonna feed myself right tonight  
  
I don't want fish cakes and rye bread, you heard what I said  
Waiter please serve mine fried  
I want the frim fram sauce with the aussen fay, with chafaifa on the side  
  
I want the frim fram sauce with the aussen fay, with chafaifa on the side  
  
Now a person's really got to eat, and a person should eat right  
Five will get you ten, I'm gonna feed myself right tonight  
  
I don't want fish cakes and rye bread, you heard what I said  
Waiter please serve mine fried  
  
I want the frim fram sauce with the aussen fay, with chafaifa on the side  
I want the frim fram sauce with the aussen fay, with chafaifa (chafaifa) on the side.....  
  
Puh-leeze!  
  
*Taking a bow* Thank you, thank you!!!! Now.....  
  
Alex: Uh oh, she has that look in her eye....  
  
Akili: We're going to vote on what Alex and myself will be when we grow up. Please cast your votes in your reviews!!!  
  
a) Sit on the porch in a rocking chair and yell at kids to get off the lawn  
  
b) Join a band and star on YTV's Hit List  
  
c) Grow a potbelly and name it Clive  
  
d) Live the Hip Hop high life  
  
e) Discover a lost world in the sewer system  
  
f) Start up a Chinchilla Pet Motel  
  
g) Become an anime cartoon character  
  
h) Become a kangeroo and keep a pet starfish and play one player tag  
  
i) Werden ein Klemmelastwagen und Abnutzung Galoschen zu einem Beteiligten wo sie gesahnte Metallklumpen dienen und wo sie auf den Rand eines Toilettesitzes tanzt, nachdem sie Twister mit einem Stachelschwein gespielt hat.  
  
Alex: Um....  
  
Akili: Ich bin konfus!!!!!  
  
Alex: Yeah, me too. I don't even want to know what that last one says.  
  
Akili: Me neither  
  
Alex: You mean you didn't come up with it?  
  
Akili: Um....Of course I did....Let's end here  
  
Alex: A Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!  
  
Akili: What?  
  
Alex: You mean you're the only one allowed to be weird here? I'm not allowed to be even a tiny bit weird?  
  
Akili: Nope  
  
Alex: Aw.....  
  
Akili: Well maybe a little bit  
  
Alex: REALLY!?!?!?! YOU MEAN IT?!?!??!  
  
Akili: Yeah, but I have to be weirder, stranger and odder than you and anyone else on this planet and others like it.  
  
Alex: Ok. One: No one could ever be weirder than you  
  
Akili: Point taken  
  
Alex: Two: There are no other planets like this one  
  
Akili: Ah. Touche!  
  
Alex: Ta tah all who read this.....interesting......fic!!  
  
Akili: Toodles!!! Bye!!! Adios!!!! Chau!!!!! Au revoir!!!! Ciao!!!! Auf Wiedersehen!!!!!  
  
Alex: Um. Yeah.  
  
Akili: See ya!!!! Review!!!! Or I'll retrieve my gun...... 


	5. Note of Noledge, Thus Insanity The Compl...

Alex: Hey potential reviewers!!! I'mTypingThisChapterWithMyToes!!! Did you get all that??? I've had a little bit of sugar this morning so bear with me!! ; ) Anyways on with the fic!!! The faster I write it, the faster you can review it!! So on with the show….I mean story!!!  
  
Akili: No.  
  
Alex: Not this again *sigh*  
  
Akili: You're not typing this chapter!!  
  
Alex: Yes I am  
  
Akili: No  
  
Alex: Fine fine. You can write it  
  
Akili: All right, I have nothing more to say…  
  
Alex: *gasp*  
  
Akili: So we'll get right to the chapter!  
  
Alex: *almost in tears* Really? You mean it?  
  
Akili: Yes I do  
  
Alex: *Hugs Akili* Yay!  
  
Akili: Let go.  
  
Alex: Oh, sorry  
  
Akili: *appears to think for a moment* On second thought…  
  
Alex: *sits down* Oh boy….Here we go  
  
Akili: Just kidding, you're really gullible   
  
Alex: You realise that this is a really short Author's Note?  
  
Akili: That's IF we start the story now  
  
Alex: Please? *begs* Please start the chapter now!!  
  
Akili: Mebbe  
  
Alex: That's not even a word!  
  
Akili: What isn't?  
  
Alex: That word up there  
  
Akili: Up where? *looks around*  
  
Alex: Up there *points up to line above*  
  
Akili: What's that all about 'line' what's that?  
  
Alex: What do you mean, "what's that?"  
  
Akili: Up there, you pointed to the line above  
  
Alex: What are you talking about?  
  
Akili: Oh this could go on for hours  
  
Alex: Yeah you're right  
  
Akili: So, as an honorary writer of this chapter, what do you want to write about?  
  
Alex: You mean it? I can help write this chapter?  
  
Akili: *Ahem* Honorary member  
  
Alex: Yeah yeah, whatever  
  
Akili: So, the keyboard's yours.  
  
Alex: *eyes glint evilly* Really?  
  
Akili: *sighs* yes, how many times do I have to repeat that?  
  
Alex: Just one more should do it  
  
Akili: Fine. You are in control of the keyboard, I will send my input of this chapter through your fingers. I will not interfere in any way except to say something that pertains to the story. Is that better?  
  
Alex: Much.  
  
Akili: Could you at least warn me what this chapter is going to be about?  
  
Alex: Look at the chapter title up there  
  
Akili: Up where? I don't see anything up there  
  
Alex: Up there see *points up*  
  
Akili: We really should stop doing that  
  
Alex: Yeah, you're right. But I'm not going to tell you what this chapter's about  
  
Akili: Darn. Why oh why did I put her in charge of the keyboard, she'll ruin everything.  
  
Alex: *pushes Akili away, grabs control of keyboard* Well. I wouldn't say I'll ruin everything. Just some things *evil laugh*  
  
Akili: Walks away muttering  
  
Alex: Yeah, you leave me alone with the keyboard, go on now *pushes Akili out of room* Go read a nice book or do something sane all right?  
  
Akili: NOOOOOOO!! I REFUSE TO DO SOMETHING SANE!!!!!! *runs back into room. Dives at computer. Misses. Hits head on table. Complains loudly* Ow…Who made that table out of cement and put it there? *Rubs head. Messes up hair* AHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOO!!!! MY HAIR!!! IT'S RUINED!!! *Runs out of room sobbing*  
  
Alex: Yes well. She's stupid. She won't be back for a while  
  
Akili: Wait. What am I doing running out of the room? I don't care about my hair. What did you write about me when I was gone? WHAT!!! I'M NOT STUPID!!! YOU STUPIDITY POST!!!  
  
Alex: That's a new one  
  
Akili: I have many other good names for you. *Counts off on fingers* Stupidity post. Soft haired multi-coloured spork. Cell phone coloured knifoon. Calculator flavoured knifork. Printer profanity newspaper coloured flashlight. And many others that I can't think of right now.  
  
Alex: *temporarily stunned* Hm….Interesting  
  
Akili: What's interesting?  
  
Alex: The fact that I seem to be temporarily stunned by your stupidity  
  
Akili: Oh that. That's nothing *proceeds to call Alex a list of many more names that takes five hours to complete*  
  
Alex: Well that cured my temporarily stunnededness  
  
Akili: That's not even a word. Oh well. Wait. You mean I cured you? I wasn't supposed to cure you.  
  
Alex: Oh I'm just cured of my temporary stunnededness. I am permanently stunned now. But that won't stop me from writing this chapter.  
  
Akili: *Snaps fingers* darn.  
  
Alex: Yes well. Could you please relinquish control over the keyboard please?  
  
Akili: Mebbe  
  
Alex: All right….  
  
Akili: If you can answer this simple question, then I will let you start typing the chapter  
  
Alex: I'm ready  
  
Akili: *snickers* Are you now?  
  
Alex: And now I'm afraid  
  
Akili: *Thinks to self: Quick, say something to reassure her* I love you *Thinks to self: No idiot*  
  
Alex: And now I'm even more afraid  
  
Akili: Good  
  
Alex: Now I have entered extreme fear and terror territory  
  
Akili: All right then….On to the question shall we?  
  
Alex: Yes.  
  
Akili: What….Does this sentence mean? CLDUOYUOLPAEESU?ESUNCPUTANOIT  
  
Alex: Um….Let me think for a moment  
  
Akili: Take your time  
  
Alex: *thinks hard*  
  
Akili: *hums Jeopardy theme* Doo doo doo doodoo doo doo doo….  
  
Alex: Stop that. You're ruining my concentration  
  
Akili: Nope I'm sorry, that was not the correct answer. Too bad. And now for the chapt…..  
  
Alex: WAIT!!! That wasn't my final answer. Please let me try again!  
  
Akili: All right, one more chance  
  
Alex: Thank you! *thinks hard again*  
  
Akili: *silent*  
  
Alex: I've got it!  
  
Akili: Really?  
  
Alex: Yes it's…  
  
Akili: Wait you have to say it without saying anything before that isn't part of the sentence.  
  
Alex: Could you please use punctuation?  
  
Akili: Oh yeah, sure. Sorry about that. Wait. You have to say it without saying anything, before, that isn't part of the sentence.  
  
Alex: No. That was my answer  
  
Akili: Wha…?? *Looks at card in hand* Oh, I guess you're right. Congratulations  
  
Alex: Could you sound a little more enthusiastic?  
  
Akili: *Looks embarrassed* Oops. Sorry. *Throws confetti. Dances around* Congratulations! You got it right!! Yay for you! Now for another one.  
  
Alex: Joy  
  
Akili: What does this mean? JEKSINALKEJNSLEJLKNALSKHELFH.  
  
Alex: It means…. Justis eats Kiwis, so it never asks legal Kangaroos. Even Jelly Nooses scare little Kiwis now. All Licorice should kill, harshly, every loose fitting hedgehog.  
  
Akili: Hrumph, good job  
  
Alex: *beams* I know. I am so smart SMRT! *Runs around singing stupid song*  
  
Akili: *holds hand out* Please stop  
  
Alex: I will stop once we reach 1000 words on this Author's Note!  
  
Akili: Then it's my lucky day. We are currently at *checks word count* 1071 including that last number I just put there.  
  
Alex: *stops running and singing* Oh *looks dejected* Okay then…  
  
Akili: Yes but it means you can write the chapter now  
  
Alex: RIGHT! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!  
  
Akili: So are you going to?  
  
Alex: Mebbe.  
  
Akili: Now are you going to start that?  
  
Alex: Nope, on we go….  
  
Akili: Thank goodness  
  
Alex: …With the insanity…  
  
Akili: Yes….  
  
Alex: …But not the story.  
  
Akili: Aw! Why not.  
  
Alex: I'm giving you a taste of your own medicine  
  
Akili: Fine, I'm leaving then *walks out of room*  
  
Alex: Good she's gone  
  
Akili: *Walks into the room but looks suspiciously like a robot* Hel..lo…I…am…*click*….Aki…li….*click* *click*….I am going to now….proceed with…harassing you….about various….things….  
  
  
  
Alex: Uh…Right then…*Walks behind Akili, flicks switch*  
  
Akili: *Light in eyes go out. Head falls on chest*  
  
Alex: Well that was easy enough to shut her up.  
  
Akili: *Real Akili runs into room and rushes to robot* Ahhh…No! You broke it! Shame on you.  
  
Alex: Shame on me?  
  
Akili: Yes. Shame on you. Take that you stupidity post  
  
Alex: Still on about that are you?  
  
Akili: Yes.  
  
Alex: Very well. Proceed *waves hand*  
  
Akili: Who are you waving too?  
  
Alex: No one, that's just what you do when you want someone to continue.  
  
Akili: Oh. All right then.  
  
Alex: So. Can we start?  
  
Akili: You're the one writing this.  
  
Alex: All right, let us begin.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*Setting: Dark cave. Zoom in on Peter Pettigrew surrounded by Death Eaters in cloaks*  
  
Peter: All right. You guys know your roles? You know what to do?  
  
All Death Eaters: Yes sir  
  
Peter: Good. Cue the music. Start dancing.   
  
*The Hampsterdance music begins out of nowhere. Death Eaters and Peter begin to dance*  
  
Peter: And a one, two, three….  
  
Everybody: *sings notes of hampsterdance song*  
  
Peter: Here we go  
  
Everybody: *Keeps singing*  
  
Peter: That's it  
  
Everybody: *keeps singing*  
  
Peter: That's all there is to it  
  
Everybody: Woo woo……Woo woo……Woo woo…..  
  
Peter: All right everybody, now here we go, it's a brand new version of the do-se-do, just stomp your feet and clap your hands, c'mon everybody it's the hampsterdance. Bounce in time to the beat. Hey, you don't even have to move your feet. Just shake your fang, let me see you move, now scurry round and feel the groove.  
  
Lucius Malfoy: Weeeeeeee ha!  
  
Peter: Let's try it.  
  
Everybody: *Keeps singing*  
  
Peter: You're catching on  
  
Everybody: *Keeps singing*  
  
Lucius: Weeeeeeeeeee ha!  
  
Peter: Terrific  
  
Everybody: Woo woo……..Woo woo……….Woo woo……  
  
Peter: C'mon everybody……….Clap your hands……C'mon everybody……It's the hampsterdance……..C'mon everybody…………Clap your hands……C'mon everybody……It's the hampsterdance……..  
  
Everybody: Woo woo  
  
Peter: Here comes the music  
  
Lucius: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ha!  
  
Everybody: Woo woo…….Woo woo  
  
Everybody: *Keeps singing*  
  
Peter: Heehahahahahaha….  
  
*Harry Potter and company burst in after song ends*   
  
Harry: What's going on here?  
  
Peter: Just a harmless rat dance. What do you want Potter?  
  
Harry: I just want to know one thing….  
  
*Ominous voice (OV) appears out of nowhere*  
  
OV: Go to the main menu to restart. Press the mouse button to cast a spell.  
  
Harry: Main menu??? Mouse button??? *Grabs Peter* what the heck is a Mouse Button?  
  
Peter: I don't know I'm a RAT!  
  
Harry: *Releases Peter* Oh right  
  
*Scene dissolves. New setting: Great Hall*  
  
Alex: *enters empty great hall. Eerie music plays* It's a little scary in here  
  
Akili: Doo doo doo doo *notes of the Jaws theme song* doodoo doodoo doodoo doodoo  
  
Alex: I know that's you Akili!  
  
Akili: *in 'ghost' voice* Noooo yooouuuu dooonnn'tttt  
  
Alex: Okay, you JUST said something, I know you're not the music.  
  
Akili: *Jumps out from behind teacher's table* HIII!!!! Scared you didn't I?  
  
Alex: *sarcastically* Oh yes, very much so  
  
Akili: *claps hands in joy* Yay  
  
Alex: What are you doing here anyways?  
  
Akili: Sitting.  
  
Alex: I see  
  
*Hermione appears out of thin air and begins to cite different definitions of sitting and why it's different from setting*  
  
Alex: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Akili: No….Must….Not….Learn….Brain….Exploding…  
  
**BOOM!!!!!!!!**   
  
*Once the smoke clears, Akili's head is obviously gone from her shoulders*  
  
Alex: Akili? Are you okay?  
  
Akili: *mumbles incoherently*  
  
Alex: I said 'are you okay?'  
  
Akili: *head pops up from under shirt* I said 'Does it look like I'm okay?' *realises what she's done and pulls shirt up over head again* *mumbles incoherently again*  
  
Alex: What was that?  
  
Akili: *Pulls head up again* Oh no, I'm not falling for THAT again….Oops *grins sheepishly* Hee hee, oh look, here's my head!  
  
Alex: *Rolls eyes* Now what are we going to do about that? *Points to Hermione who is now reciting the differences between the words rise and raise and how they are to be used in a sentence*  
  
Akili: Jump her?  
  
Alex: Sounds good, on the count of three. 1...2.…3!!!  
  
*Both girls jump Hermione, but before they lay a finger on her, Harry appears out of nowhere and blocks Akili and Alex*  
  
Harry: Don't lay a finger on the girl that I love!  
  
Akili: Who? Her? *Points to Hermione who is indifferent to the conversation about her that is going on*  
  
Draco: *Suddenly appearing* you can't love Hermione 'cause I love her!  
  
Harry: *Looks at Hermione in disgust* I don't love HER, she's my best friend, that's all. *Bends down to pick up a pencil* I love her *points to pencil* and she loves me too *to pencil* don't you sweetie? *Walks away muttering sweet nothings to the pencil*  
  
Alex: Ohhhkay, that just gained a 10 on my strange-ometer. Without a doubt  
  
Akili: Yup. Most definitely  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Akili: Ok, I know this chapter wasn't as good as other chapters, but a REALLY good one will be next, I promise, I just wanted to get this one finished before I left my poor internet at home while I took the computer, I wouldn't have been able to upload any chapters for 5 whole weeks! Now I know that's nothing in comparison to the wait for this chapter, but now it's summer time, more time to write! Yay! Anyways, thank you to those who reviewed, especially Alex! I didn't forget you Alex! And there's not going to be a funny Author's note at the end of this chapter, I think we left you with enough to deal with already! Lol. 


End file.
